Ladies. Oh Ladies, ladies, ladies. There are a few things guys will assist you with when you're joining your very first hockey pool. Such as, what the "I" in PIM stands for, and even then you could have googled it yourself. (As I'm typing the word "googled" my computer underlined it as if I had misspelled something. Hasn't "googled" made it into Webster's dictionary yet?!) What even THEY don't know is the lingo used in the hockey world by men on a regular basis has more than one simple meaning when that same lingo is spoken in conversation by a woman.
Here is the first lesson in what I will call, "Women and Fantasy Hockey Lingo. 101"
When you are contemplating letting one of your players go in exchange for someone else because you need to fill in the blanks of categories that you are lacking points in, you must first be aware of your surroundings and choose your words carefully. Let me paint you a picture.
Last night I was discussing the many plagues of the Calgary Flames Franchise with my boss and new favorite person on the planet, Zach. (We'll discuss those plagues in a later post.) Now, he is a *cough* Leafs fan - but hey, no one's perfect - back to the story. We got onto the subject of my hockey pool and I was asking him questions about Phil Kessel (an FA in my pool and a Toronto Maple Leaf, which is why it was important to mention Zach's allegiance). I mentioned the areas where my Roster seems to be lacking and ways I thought I could improve my overall standings. While I am still keeping my head above water in this league, currently in 4th place, I was looking for someone with a bit of a reputation for taking penalties. There are other fields that are out of my control, such as power play goals and the ever questionable "hits" statistic, although you CAN find scoring players who are also hotheads on the ice. As we continue on, I tell Zach how I had compared a few other players available to pick up to who I would drop if I felt the shift in my Roster would help even out all of my categories when all of a sudden out of my mouth is this: "I just need a guy who spends more time in the box."
A split second goes by before I realize what I've done. I am behind the bar at a cozy little neighborhood pub completely surrounded by men with half consumed beers in their hands. Their waitress has just announced that she either needs a hothead hockey player for her Fantasy Hockey pool, OR her more personal "needs" are just not being met.
Lesson #1
When speaking about the box in question, be sure to note your surroundings and use the proper language to ensure that anyone within earshot of what you are about to say has no reason whatsoever to question whether you are sending out open invitations to your bedroom or if you are IN FACT a dedicated hockey fan and Fantasy player. Fantasy and box in the same sentence without the words penalty and hockey can lead to rumors and offers you just might not want spread about or have offered to you. Other phrases that may have been more appropriate? "I am looking for a hockey player to add to my roster who draws more penalties for my Fantasy Roster", or, "Which hockey player do you think would spend more time in the penalty box than this or that player?".
Never, "I just need a guy who spends more time in the box". Never.
At least it was worth the laugh!
T
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
"The Laugh Out Loud Alone In An Airport Lounge Kind of Read"
Two posts in less than 12 hours? This might be getting slightly out of hand.
When I woke up this morning I reached over to my night stand, where I keep an assortment of books I might have on the go, and read a chapter or two before I start my day. I try my best never to have any more than one at a time because some lonely read usually gets neglected, forgotten about, and sometimes never picked up again. Damn you, James Duthie. That's right, TSN broadcaster James Duthie. Where does he come into all of this? He has humiliated me twice - in two separate airports, taken roughly $100 of my hard earned cash, made me cry about half a dozen times, is the cause of the two other half finished novels gone limp on the bedside shelf, and I'm just plain jealous of his columns. (And his job!)
Let's start from the beginning. A few months ago, I was walking through the new CrossIron Mills just outside of Calgary when I noticed an Indigo Chapters. This, for those who don't know, is the demise of every penny I have in my wallet at any given time. I steer clear of this heaven on earth filled with stands of books from all over the map with signs like, "Only $4! Heather's Pick!" to entice, or as I like to call it, manipulate you further into their maze. You get lost in there every time even though you are certain you know your way out and you're actually only going in to look at that one table, that one with all of the books for $4. That's how they get you. By the time you have searched that entire table you have accumulated so many damned books in your arms that the kindest angel will come over and offer you the most outrageously over-sized "in-store bag" you've ever seen. You say, "No thank you", but what you really have the urge to frantically scream like a crazy person is, "Get the hell away from me!". No thank you. You turn around to put all of the books back and scan your escape route as you plan to sprint through the doors leading back into the comfort of the mall's gigantic hallways. You can't move. You see yet another book and you have to read the back cover of. Trouble is, you have seven $4 books in your arms and you haven't had time to choose which ones you're actually keeping yet - even though you decided two split seconds ago that you were dropping all of them and running out of the store as if someone was chasing you with a chainsaw. Angel #2 appears. This time you angrily snatch the stupid purple bag out of her hand and drop your books inside. Damnit.
This is exactly what happened to me. It happens every single time. So, I reason with myself by saying that since I already have eleven hundred books in my bag I might as well sift through the entire store, all while convincing myself that when the angels aren't watching I will drop that bag so fast and run like hell. That's how my relationship with James Duthie began. Sure, I've seen him on TV, but I hadn't ever read any of his columns and quite frankly hadn't appreciated his wit during the intermissions of my beloved Flames games. I see his book on one of the shelves I'm trying to divert away from and lo and behold, I pick up my eleven hundred and first book. Long story short, I read the insert inside of the front cover and I'm sold like a glass of lemonade for $0.25 on a hot summer's day from a kid's stand outside his doorstep. I bring all of my books to the counter, flash my indigo card and give the cashier all of my money. Big purple bags are evil. Those angels are in disguise.
Tonia - 0. James Duthie - $30.00
It's a few weeks later when I finally open the front cover of "How I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and read his first column. (It took me that long to stop giving his picture on the cover the evil eye and finally forgive him.) I was leaving the next morning for a trip to Vancouver and thought that since I would need some reading material, I would bring him along for the ride. I arrive at the airport far earlier than usual and decide that, since I am on vacation, I will treat myself to a glass of wine in the lounge before catching my flight. (The waitress comes over and asks, "6oz or 9?". I give her half of the blame for nearly missing my flight - James Duthie gets the remaining 50%.) I slide back in my little booth facing the rest of the entire restaurant, I'm all dressed up to surprise everyone in Van and sipping a $15.00 glass of vino, all while reading a book about hockey - that's straight class. The whole experience would have been a pleasant one if I'd have had any inkling as to how outright hilarious Duthie was. Is. So funny, in fact, that I was inadvertently laughing hysterically to the point of tears and the occasional snort, surrounded by a room of fellow travelers. Quiet, if not silent travelers.
Tonia - negative 1. James Duthie: 1 + $30.00.
In my embarrassment, I shoved the book into my carry on bag and realized that the 9 ounce glass of wine I'd ordered 30 minutes earlier was still completely full, minus the first sip I had while opening the damn book that just humiliated me. I glance around the room hoping that all had gone unnoticed and so far it seemed so. This is when I realize how much time has gone by and how I should probably get my behind to gate D 46. I slam my glass and try my best to keep my composure as I run (in 3 inch heels) out of the restaurant. As I get just outside of the door to the lounge I hear, "Last boarding call for Flight 056 (this is a made up number, I can't remember what flight number it was, but I'm positive that I'm close) to Vancouver, we are still waiting on 3 passengers. If you could please make your way to gate D46...". Well, isn't that just great. James Duthie? Are you trying to ruin my entire day?
Tonia - negative 2. James Duthie - 2 + $30.00
Needless to say, I make it on board and I luckily have a seat two rows up from the front of the plane. I don't have to excuse my tardiness to more than one person as I slam my carry on into the overhead compartment above row 2. I even buy the wonderful lady (Susan) beside me a glass of wine because I feel so bad. That's another $6.50, Duth. Can I call him that? I feel like our relationship has stooped to that level. Duth it is. We don't speak for a day after that. I get into Vancouver, slightly tipsy from my 15 ounces of delicious red wine, and fly into the arms of my wonderful friend, Geoff, who picked me up from YVR. The next afternoon, after a much needed nap, I crawl onto the couch beside my napping friend and pull out that damn book once again. This time, inches away from Geoff's sleeping body, I am caught so off guard by the hilarity of it that I nearly fell off the couch. I once again had to leave the room covering my mouth so as not to let out the ridiculous laughter that would have otherwise been the most intense belly laugh of all time. This is the second instance, but not yet the last, where James Duthie has made me cry.
Tonia - so knee deep in negatives that I'm never climbing back up to even playing field.
James Duthie - 3 + $36.50 + 2 book recommendations.
Two days later I find myself back at Indigo Chapters. And, James - you know what happens when I go into this heaven by now! The plan is to go in with tunnel vision, see eleven hundred books I want to read the covers of, but I stay strong. I grab 2 more copies of "The Day I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and I get the hell out of there! I give a copy to my Sports Guru, and another to Geoff. I can't be the only person who is going through these motions, besides it's really nice to share, isn't it?
In all seriousness, I haven't read a book that I have appreciated this much in a very long time. The humor is uncanny, the stories are vivid and full of life, and I'm loving every minute of it. I am loving it so much so that I have decided, halfway through, to only read one column a day. This is because I just don't want it to end. Not only am I a new fan of Duth's, but I will now be reading his columns regularly on TSN. Not that he needs me to do his advertising for him, but to anyone reading this blog - if you haven't read his book, go to your nearest Chapters and pick it up NOW. It is worth every penny. Oh, and I did read some of his book in the airport on the way home as well. I laughed out loud twice. This time I didn't care. I knew what I was getting myself into. There should have been a warning label on the cover for the first time around though. "May cause unexpected snorting and extreme uncontrollable laughter."
Final tallies?
Tonia - I can't keep count.
James Duthie - 5 + $96.50 + 3 purchases of the same book by the same person... that counts twice.
You win this time, Duth.
It's Game Night, folks!
GO FLAMES GO!
T
When I woke up this morning I reached over to my night stand, where I keep an assortment of books I might have on the go, and read a chapter or two before I start my day. I try my best never to have any more than one at a time because some lonely read usually gets neglected, forgotten about, and sometimes never picked up again. Damn you, James Duthie. That's right, TSN broadcaster James Duthie. Where does he come into all of this? He has humiliated me twice - in two separate airports, taken roughly $100 of my hard earned cash, made me cry about half a dozen times, is the cause of the two other half finished novels gone limp on the bedside shelf, and I'm just plain jealous of his columns. (And his job!)
Let's start from the beginning. A few months ago, I was walking through the new CrossIron Mills just outside of Calgary when I noticed an Indigo Chapters. This, for those who don't know, is the demise of every penny I have in my wallet at any given time. I steer clear of this heaven on earth filled with stands of books from all over the map with signs like, "Only $4! Heather's Pick!" to entice, or as I like to call it, manipulate you further into their maze. You get lost in there every time even though you are certain you know your way out and you're actually only going in to look at that one table, that one with all of the books for $4. That's how they get you. By the time you have searched that entire table you have accumulated so many damned books in your arms that the kindest angel will come over and offer you the most outrageously over-sized "in-store bag" you've ever seen. You say, "No thank you", but what you really have the urge to frantically scream like a crazy person is, "Get the hell away from me!". No thank you. You turn around to put all of the books back and scan your escape route as you plan to sprint through the doors leading back into the comfort of the mall's gigantic hallways. You can't move. You see yet another book and you have to read the back cover of. Trouble is, you have seven $4 books in your arms and you haven't had time to choose which ones you're actually keeping yet - even though you decided two split seconds ago that you were dropping all of them and running out of the store as if someone was chasing you with a chainsaw. Angel #2 appears. This time you angrily snatch the stupid purple bag out of her hand and drop your books inside. Damnit.
This is exactly what happened to me. It happens every single time. So, I reason with myself by saying that since I already have eleven hundred books in my bag I might as well sift through the entire store, all while convincing myself that when the angels aren't watching I will drop that bag so fast and run like hell. That's how my relationship with James Duthie began. Sure, I've seen him on TV, but I hadn't ever read any of his columns and quite frankly hadn't appreciated his wit during the intermissions of my beloved Flames games. I see his book on one of the shelves I'm trying to divert away from and lo and behold, I pick up my eleven hundred and first book. Long story short, I read the insert inside of the front cover and I'm sold like a glass of lemonade for $0.25 on a hot summer's day from a kid's stand outside his doorstep. I bring all of my books to the counter, flash my indigo card and give the cashier all of my money. Big purple bags are evil. Those angels are in disguise.
Tonia - 0. James Duthie - $30.00
It's a few weeks later when I finally open the front cover of "How I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and read his first column. (It took me that long to stop giving his picture on the cover the evil eye and finally forgive him.) I was leaving the next morning for a trip to Vancouver and thought that since I would need some reading material, I would bring him along for the ride. I arrive at the airport far earlier than usual and decide that, since I am on vacation, I will treat myself to a glass of wine in the lounge before catching my flight. (The waitress comes over and asks, "6oz or 9?". I give her half of the blame for nearly missing my flight - James Duthie gets the remaining 50%.) I slide back in my little booth facing the rest of the entire restaurant, I'm all dressed up to surprise everyone in Van and sipping a $15.00 glass of vino, all while reading a book about hockey - that's straight class. The whole experience would have been a pleasant one if I'd have had any inkling as to how outright hilarious Duthie was. Is. So funny, in fact, that I was inadvertently laughing hysterically to the point of tears and the occasional snort, surrounded by a room of fellow travelers. Quiet, if not silent travelers.
Tonia - negative 1. James Duthie: 1 + $30.00.
In my embarrassment, I shoved the book into my carry on bag and realized that the 9 ounce glass of wine I'd ordered 30 minutes earlier was still completely full, minus the first sip I had while opening the damn book that just humiliated me. I glance around the room hoping that all had gone unnoticed and so far it seemed so. This is when I realize how much time has gone by and how I should probably get my behind to gate D 46. I slam my glass and try my best to keep my composure as I run (in 3 inch heels) out of the restaurant. As I get just outside of the door to the lounge I hear, "Last boarding call for Flight 056 (this is a made up number, I can't remember what flight number it was, but I'm positive that I'm close) to Vancouver, we are still waiting on 3 passengers. If you could please make your way to gate D46...". Well, isn't that just great. James Duthie? Are you trying to ruin my entire day?
Tonia - negative 2. James Duthie - 2 + $30.00
Needless to say, I make it on board and I luckily have a seat two rows up from the front of the plane. I don't have to excuse my tardiness to more than one person as I slam my carry on into the overhead compartment above row 2. I even buy the wonderful lady (Susan) beside me a glass of wine because I feel so bad. That's another $6.50, Duth. Can I call him that? I feel like our relationship has stooped to that level. Duth it is. We don't speak for a day after that. I get into Vancouver, slightly tipsy from my 15 ounces of delicious red wine, and fly into the arms of my wonderful friend, Geoff, who picked me up from YVR. The next afternoon, after a much needed nap, I crawl onto the couch beside my napping friend and pull out that damn book once again. This time, inches away from Geoff's sleeping body, I am caught so off guard by the hilarity of it that I nearly fell off the couch. I once again had to leave the room covering my mouth so as not to let out the ridiculous laughter that would have otherwise been the most intense belly laugh of all time. This is the second instance, but not yet the last, where James Duthie has made me cry.
Tonia - so knee deep in negatives that I'm never climbing back up to even playing field.
James Duthie - 3 + $36.50 + 2 book recommendations.
Two days later I find myself back at Indigo Chapters. And, James - you know what happens when I go into this heaven by now! The plan is to go in with tunnel vision, see eleven hundred books I want to read the covers of, but I stay strong. I grab 2 more copies of "The Day I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and I get the hell out of there! I give a copy to my Sports Guru, and another to Geoff. I can't be the only person who is going through these motions, besides it's really nice to share, isn't it?
In all seriousness, I haven't read a book that I have appreciated this much in a very long time. The humor is uncanny, the stories are vivid and full of life, and I'm loving every minute of it. I am loving it so much so that I have decided, halfway through, to only read one column a day. This is because I just don't want it to end. Not only am I a new fan of Duth's, but I will now be reading his columns regularly on TSN. Not that he needs me to do his advertising for him, but to anyone reading this blog - if you haven't read his book, go to your nearest Chapters and pick it up NOW. It is worth every penny. Oh, and I did read some of his book in the airport on the way home as well. I laughed out loud twice. This time I didn't care. I knew what I was getting myself into. There should have been a warning label on the cover for the first time around though. "May cause unexpected snorting and extreme uncontrollable laughter."
Final tallies?
Tonia - I can't keep count.
James Duthie - 5 + $96.50 + 3 purchases of the same book by the same person... that counts twice.
You win this time, Duth.
It's Game Night, folks!
GO FLAMES GO!
T
"The Rad Roster and her first Hawkey Pewl"
I have around 3 drafts sitting in my folder just waiting to be edited and posted for all of your viewing pleasure, which only means that I've been slacking with my blogging priorities lately. So you might ask, "Tonia, why oh why have you decided instead to write a fresh entry without gracing us with your Flames updates and quirky opinions?". And I might say that, well - I've been distracted. Now, I am completely aware of how irresponsible this may be from one hockey fan to another but please, let me explain.
I have joined my very first ever Fantasy Hockey Pool. That's right, the real (fantasy) thing. I studied for a week straight and when friends asked to get together during that week to play a game of pool, have a drink, catch up over coffee, or what have you... I was busy at home like a good hockey fan. I had loose papers scattered from one end of my desk to the other, the bookmarks in whatever novel I was reading were scribbled stats on a ripped off corner of an envelope from that day's mail. It was the most intense week of my life, besides round one of the 2004 NHL Playoffs, and round two of the 2004 NHL Playoffs, and round three of the...well, every damn second of the 2004 NHL Playoffs - but let's not dig up the phantom goals of the past.
So, my very good friend, Adrian gets a hold of me two weeks into this season and has a bit of a pickle to overcome. He has recently been living in Edmonton (I know, right?!) and has no friends to enjoy the Flames games with and nothing to distract him from this ever exhausting and frustrating fate. He NEEDS a hockey pool to keep his heart pumping, to keep the thrill alive! So who's with him!? That's what he really wants to know. I think to myself, "Well, I've never been in a hockey pool before but, of course, I've always wanted to. I know enough about the sport and could probably do myself a favor and test the knowledge I already have acquired. Why not?". We gather up 12 guys (ahem, 11 - I am the ONLY girl in the league, which I believe is worth mentioning) and set a date for our draft, October 31st, 2010. I spent the entire day reviewing my notes, ranking almost every single player in the NHL on yahoo, where we would meet online later that night to pick our players. You would not believe the stress and anxiety that goes into such a thing! I nearly paid 20 bucks to cause my own premature heart attack. Every excruciating minute of waiting for the draft to begin was almost worse than the actual act of realizing that no matter how much I studied I wasn't going to obtain the dream team I had been crossing my fingers for. Or could I?
Here's the thing about being a woman AND a hockey fan. No matter how educated you are about the sport, the men in your life will always think you're an idiot. Know that now along with the fact that there is next to absolutely nothing you can do about it. Ladies, that's just the way it is. They LOVE that you can hold your own in the most intense disputes between which team/player/coach/mascot/announcer/broadcaster is the best, even if you have the stats or background information to prove it. They will even be proud of you, genuinely. There is a "but". But... they will always "know" more.
I have found the secret. It's called....a hockey pool. Simple. (To back this up, my ex frequently tells me about the only girl who is ever in his Fantasy Football League and that she always does really well! And to back up my point, he - year in and year out - seems surprised by this lone fact by offering up comments like, "...and she's actually good!")
Here are my initial picks (being 11th first round in a snake rotation).
First overall was incredibly easy for me and no matter how much anyone in their right mind would pick Ovi.(as if he'd be available after the lucky drafter who got 1st overall - except in my fantasy draft, which may have even made history - 1st pick? Steven Stamkos. Smart. But he's no Ovi?). I got to thinking. What is my strategy? How can I obtain the most talent across the board and expect the most out of the players I chose? My league, especially for my first Fantasy Pool ever, is very complicated. I admit now that I didn't understand how intricate of a situation I was getting myself into, however my strategy is paying off. I thought that instead of choosing one of the top forwards left over when my turn "snaked" around, I would choose someone who would benefit my team offensively and defensively. Smart? So far.
First pick for The Rad Roster? Easy. Mike Green.
Now, the funny thing about Mike is that we went to school together. He was a year younger than me, and obviously still is but it mattered more at age 4 when he was in pre-school and you were in almighty kindergarten. It has been years since I've seen him and I don't claim to know him anymore, but I used to have this funny crush on the "younger man" back when I'd say I was in, oh... the fifth grade? He would have been in grade four? Such a no-no! And now, he's my first round pick (11th overall) in my very first hockey pool! Lucky him or lucky me? All joking aside and of course most importantly (besides the fact that he is an incredible hockey player), he was the first member of "The Rad Roster".
Now. I needed to get on my goal-tending immediately. Sure, it would have been nice to have the Steven Stamkos' and the Alexander Ovechkin's on my roster, yes. Need I remind you of how complicated the scoring is on this league?! Everything counts. Goals, assists, power play goals, penalty (infraction) minutes - and I add this here because one of my "idiot" questions was, and I quote, "Why the hell does PIM stand for Penalty Minutes?!", and even the boys I asked couldn't tell me. Penalty Infractured Minutes. Anyhow, I will carry on. Shots on goal, hits, +/-, (for net minders) saves, shots against, wins, save percentages and shootouts! Every bloody time a player blinks someone gets a point, I swear! There begs the question of whether or not all of my research and time spent studying paid off. Was my strategy going to withstand the top scoring forwards the NHL has to offer that were inevitably up before the snake slithered to the light directly underneath my anxiously awaiting cursor on the computer screen? Back to my strategy.
Well, Miller was gone. That only means that someone was on to me. Alas, there were only two measly nail biting picks in between my choosing Mike Green and whom I would select as my second pick overall. Henrik Lundqvist. And then the anxiety set in. You see, not only is the scoring ridiculously complicated, but so is the actual snake itself. I had enough time to break a sweat, run to the bathroom, grab a Kleenex, run back to my computer and realize I had enough time to pee, run back to the bathroom and do just that, wash my hands, back to the computer (still running) and realize I had enough time to let my pooch out in the yard all whilst grabbing a beer, until my next pick. Whew, just in time. Alexander Semin. Ahhh, yes. How he was still left in the lineup of juicy forwards is still a bit of a head scratcher, but I gladly added him to my roster with open arms.
This was when the boys really started to pool the rug out from underneath me. (As I read this post over this morning I noticed that it should have said pull the rug out from underneath me. Rather than correct the statement I thought it was suitable. It stays.) Pick after pick I watched my six hours of ranking go directly down the drain. I could go on forever, but most of you know how a hockey draft for fantasy pools is conducted and the stresses that go hand in hand along with them so I will simply provide you with a list of my players. Here she goes. (Yes, that's right. I said "she". Here SHE goes.) In no particular order, besides the top three picks:
Mike Green
Henrik Lundqvist
Alexander Semin
Michael Cammalleri (I laughed as I wrote his name out - of COURSE I drafted Cammi)
Rene Bourque (Love him!)
Ilya Kovalchuk
Tuuka Rask (Damn you, Thomas!)
Brent Seabrook
Mark Giordano
Loui Eriksson
Jonas Hiller
Lubomir Visnovsky
Dustin Penner
I have to admit, before I go any further, how proud I was of myself. After everything was said and done I was overwhelmed to say the least, however more than anything I couldn't wait for my 1st head to head match up. I realize this blog post is a bit excessive and lengthy at best, so I will attempt to catch you up as briefly as possible. I'm currently well on my way to winning not only my 1st, but second week as well. I am sitting tied for 4th place overall with a record of 6-3-1 by the end of week 1 and this far into week 2 with 12-6-2 and three days left! I have even received a few congratulatory comments from the boys in my league.
I have made one slight change to my roster. I picked up Andrei Markov and dropped Gio. I hated doing it although I received some great advice from my friend, Geoff in doing so. You can watch your team play and love it with all of your heart, but when it comes to Fantasy Hockey? You have to play with your head. Love Gio, but with the guidance of my Sports Guru, Steve - I dropped him and picked up a player that will help me in the long run.
I also noticed something new. I loved hockey before, but this is becoming somewhat of an obsession. I believe my ex said to me, "Now you'll understand". Maybe I will. See, this is where the girl versus boy genetic make-up becomes a strange and unknown territory. Yes, I understand how checking the stats on your phone every thirty to forty five seconds is crucial to your day. Nothing further! I kid. We're great friends, and yes, now I do understand. During my few and very frantic breaks during the work day I can be found in a corner, cell phone in hand, on the browser checking the standings of my head to head match ups. I still can't decide whether or not I think that's awesome or utterly pathetic. I love it all the same.
In other news, the Flames have broken their 4 game losing streak and are on their way to starting game 2 of the winning kind! I recognize that I have neglected to give my forefront and aggressive opinions on our season thus far, however - in all fairness, this ain't called "The Away Jersey's" for nothing! A full fledged "Flames only" post is on it's way to you very soon! Game night tomorrow! Keep your sticks on the ice!
Go Flames Go!
T
I have joined my very first ever Fantasy Hockey Pool. That's right, the real (fantasy) thing. I studied for a week straight and when friends asked to get together during that week to play a game of pool, have a drink, catch up over coffee, or what have you... I was busy at home like a good hockey fan. I had loose papers scattered from one end of my desk to the other, the bookmarks in whatever novel I was reading were scribbled stats on a ripped off corner of an envelope from that day's mail. It was the most intense week of my life, besides round one of the 2004 NHL Playoffs, and round two of the 2004 NHL Playoffs, and round three of the...well, every damn second of the 2004 NHL Playoffs - but let's not dig up the phantom goals of the past.
So, my very good friend, Adrian gets a hold of me two weeks into this season and has a bit of a pickle to overcome. He has recently been living in Edmonton (I know, right?!) and has no friends to enjoy the Flames games with and nothing to distract him from this ever exhausting and frustrating fate. He NEEDS a hockey pool to keep his heart pumping, to keep the thrill alive! So who's with him!? That's what he really wants to know. I think to myself, "Well, I've never been in a hockey pool before but, of course, I've always wanted to. I know enough about the sport and could probably do myself a favor and test the knowledge I already have acquired. Why not?". We gather up 12 guys (ahem, 11 - I am the ONLY girl in the league, which I believe is worth mentioning) and set a date for our draft, October 31st, 2010. I spent the entire day reviewing my notes, ranking almost every single player in the NHL on yahoo, where we would meet online later that night to pick our players. You would not believe the stress and anxiety that goes into such a thing! I nearly paid 20 bucks to cause my own premature heart attack. Every excruciating minute of waiting for the draft to begin was almost worse than the actual act of realizing that no matter how much I studied I wasn't going to obtain the dream team I had been crossing my fingers for. Or could I?
Here's the thing about being a woman AND a hockey fan. No matter how educated you are about the sport, the men in your life will always think you're an idiot. Know that now along with the fact that there is next to absolutely nothing you can do about it. Ladies, that's just the way it is. They LOVE that you can hold your own in the most intense disputes between which team/player/coach/mascot/announcer/broadcaster is the best, even if you have the stats or background information to prove it. They will even be proud of you, genuinely. There is a "but". But... they will always "know" more.
I have found the secret. It's called....a hockey pool. Simple. (To back this up, my ex frequently tells me about the only girl who is ever in his Fantasy Football League and that she always does really well! And to back up my point, he - year in and year out - seems surprised by this lone fact by offering up comments like, "...and she's actually good!")
Here are my initial picks (being 11th first round in a snake rotation).
First overall was incredibly easy for me and no matter how much anyone in their right mind would pick Ovi.(as if he'd be available after the lucky drafter who got 1st overall - except in my fantasy draft, which may have even made history - 1st pick? Steven Stamkos. Smart. But he's no Ovi?). I got to thinking. What is my strategy? How can I obtain the most talent across the board and expect the most out of the players I chose? My league, especially for my first Fantasy Pool ever, is very complicated. I admit now that I didn't understand how intricate of a situation I was getting myself into, however my strategy is paying off. I thought that instead of choosing one of the top forwards left over when my turn "snaked" around, I would choose someone who would benefit my team offensively and defensively. Smart? So far.
First pick for The Rad Roster? Easy. Mike Green.
Now, the funny thing about Mike is that we went to school together. He was a year younger than me, and obviously still is but it mattered more at age 4 when he was in pre-school and you were in almighty kindergarten. It has been years since I've seen him and I don't claim to know him anymore, but I used to have this funny crush on the "younger man" back when I'd say I was in, oh... the fifth grade? He would have been in grade four? Such a no-no! And now, he's my first round pick (11th overall) in my very first hockey pool! Lucky him or lucky me? All joking aside and of course most importantly (besides the fact that he is an incredible hockey player), he was the first member of "The Rad Roster".
Now. I needed to get on my goal-tending immediately. Sure, it would have been nice to have the Steven Stamkos' and the Alexander Ovechkin's on my roster, yes. Need I remind you of how complicated the scoring is on this league?! Everything counts. Goals, assists, power play goals, penalty (infraction) minutes - and I add this here because one of my "idiot" questions was, and I quote, "Why the hell does PIM stand for Penalty Minutes?!", and even the boys I asked couldn't tell me. Penalty Infractured Minutes. Anyhow, I will carry on. Shots on goal, hits, +/-, (for net minders) saves, shots against, wins, save percentages and shootouts! Every bloody time a player blinks someone gets a point, I swear! There begs the question of whether or not all of my research and time spent studying paid off. Was my strategy going to withstand the top scoring forwards the NHL has to offer that were inevitably up before the snake slithered to the light directly underneath my anxiously awaiting cursor on the computer screen? Back to my strategy.
Well, Miller was gone. That only means that someone was on to me. Alas, there were only two measly nail biting picks in between my choosing Mike Green and whom I would select as my second pick overall. Henrik Lundqvist. And then the anxiety set in. You see, not only is the scoring ridiculously complicated, but so is the actual snake itself. I had enough time to break a sweat, run to the bathroom, grab a Kleenex, run back to my computer and realize I had enough time to pee, run back to the bathroom and do just that, wash my hands, back to the computer (still running) and realize I had enough time to let my pooch out in the yard all whilst grabbing a beer, until my next pick. Whew, just in time. Alexander Semin. Ahhh, yes. How he was still left in the lineup of juicy forwards is still a bit of a head scratcher, but I gladly added him to my roster with open arms.
This was when the boys really started to pool the rug out from underneath me. (As I read this post over this morning I noticed that it should have said pull the rug out from underneath me. Rather than correct the statement I thought it was suitable. It stays.) Pick after pick I watched my six hours of ranking go directly down the drain. I could go on forever, but most of you know how a hockey draft for fantasy pools is conducted and the stresses that go hand in hand along with them so I will simply provide you with a list of my players. Here she goes. (Yes, that's right. I said "she". Here SHE goes.) In no particular order, besides the top three picks:
Mike Green
Henrik Lundqvist
Alexander Semin
Michael Cammalleri (I laughed as I wrote his name out - of COURSE I drafted Cammi)
Rene Bourque (Love him!)
Ilya Kovalchuk
Tuuka Rask (Damn you, Thomas!)
Brent Seabrook
Mark Giordano
Loui Eriksson
Jonas Hiller
Lubomir Visnovsky
Dustin Penner
I have to admit, before I go any further, how proud I was of myself. After everything was said and done I was overwhelmed to say the least, however more than anything I couldn't wait for my 1st head to head match up. I realize this blog post is a bit excessive and lengthy at best, so I will attempt to catch you up as briefly as possible. I'm currently well on my way to winning not only my 1st, but second week as well. I am sitting tied for 4th place overall with a record of 6-3-1 by the end of week 1 and this far into week 2 with 12-6-2 and three days left! I have even received a few congratulatory comments from the boys in my league.
I have made one slight change to my roster. I picked up Andrei Markov and dropped Gio. I hated doing it although I received some great advice from my friend, Geoff in doing so. You can watch your team play and love it with all of your heart, but when it comes to Fantasy Hockey? You have to play with your head. Love Gio, but with the guidance of my Sports Guru, Steve - I dropped him and picked up a player that will help me in the long run.
I also noticed something new. I loved hockey before, but this is becoming somewhat of an obsession. I believe my ex said to me, "Now you'll understand". Maybe I will. See, this is where the girl versus boy genetic make-up becomes a strange and unknown territory. Yes, I understand how checking the stats on your phone every thirty to forty five seconds is crucial to your day. Nothing further! I kid. We're great friends, and yes, now I do understand. During my few and very frantic breaks during the work day I can be found in a corner, cell phone in hand, on the browser checking the standings of my head to head match ups. I still can't decide whether or not I think that's awesome or utterly pathetic. I love it all the same.
In other news, the Flames have broken their 4 game losing streak and are on their way to starting game 2 of the winning kind! I recognize that I have neglected to give my forefront and aggressive opinions on our season thus far, however - in all fairness, this ain't called "The Away Jersey's" for nothing! A full fledged "Flames only" post is on it's way to you very soon! Game night tomorrow! Keep your sticks on the ice!
Go Flames Go!
T
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