"The Laugh Out Loud Alone In An Airport Lounge Kind of Read"

Two posts in less than 12 hours? This might be getting slightly out of hand.

When I woke up this morning I reached over to my night stand, where I keep an assortment of books I might have on the go, and read a chapter or two before I start my day. I try my best never to have any more than one at a time because some lonely read usually gets neglected, forgotten about, and sometimes never picked up again. Damn you, James Duthie. That's right, TSN broadcaster James Duthie. Where does he come into all of this? He has humiliated me twice - in two separate airports, taken roughly $100 of my hard earned cash, made me cry about half a dozen times, is the cause of the two other half finished novels gone limp on the bedside shelf, and I'm just plain jealous of his columns. (And his job!)

Let's start from the beginning. A few months ago, I was walking through the new CrossIron Mills just outside of Calgary when I noticed an Indigo Chapters. This, for those who don't know, is the demise of every penny I have in my wallet at any given time. I steer clear of this heaven on earth filled with stands of books from all over the map with signs like, "Only $4! Heather's Pick!" to entice, or as I like to call it, manipulate you further into their maze. You get lost in there every time even though you are certain you know your way out and you're actually only going in to look at that one table, that one with all of the books for $4. That's how they get you. By the time you have searched that entire table you have accumulated so many damned books in your arms that the kindest angel will come over and offer you the most outrageously over-sized "in-store bag" you've ever seen. You say, "No thank you", but what you really have the urge to frantically scream like a crazy person is, "Get the hell away from me!". No thank you. You turn around to put all of the books back and scan your escape route as you plan to sprint through the doors leading back into the comfort of the mall's gigantic hallways. You can't move. You see yet another book and you have to read the back cover of. Trouble is, you have seven $4 books in your arms and you haven't had time to choose which ones you're actually keeping yet - even though you decided two split seconds ago that you were dropping all of them and running out of the store as if someone was chasing you with a chainsaw. Angel #2 appears. This time you angrily snatch the stupid purple bag out of her hand and drop your books inside. Damnit.

This is exactly what happened to me. It happens every single time. So, I reason with myself by saying that since I already have eleven hundred books in my bag I might as well sift through the entire store, all while convincing myself that when the angels aren't watching I will drop that bag so fast and run like hell. That's how my relationship with James Duthie began. Sure, I've seen him on TV, but I hadn't ever read any of his columns and quite frankly hadn't appreciated his wit during the intermissions of my beloved Flames games. I see his book on one of the shelves I'm trying to divert away from and lo and behold, I pick up my eleven hundred and first book. Long story short, I read the insert inside of the front cover and I'm sold like a glass of lemonade for $0.25 on a hot summer's day from a kid's stand outside his doorstep. I bring all of my books to the counter, flash my indigo card and give the cashier all of my money. Big purple bags are evil. Those angels are in disguise.

Tonia - 0. James Duthie - $30.00

It's a few weeks later when I finally open the front cover of "How I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and read his first column. (It took me that long to stop giving his picture on the cover the evil eye and finally forgive him.) I was leaving the next morning for a trip to Vancouver and thought that since I would need some reading material, I would bring him along for the ride. I arrive at the airport far earlier than usual and decide that, since I am on vacation, I will treat myself to a glass of wine in the lounge before catching my flight. (The waitress comes over and asks, "6oz or 9?". I give her half of the blame for nearly missing my flight - James Duthie gets the remaining 50%.) I slide back in my little booth facing the rest of the entire restaurant, I'm all dressed up to surprise everyone in Van and sipping a $15.00 glass of vino, all while reading a book about hockey - that's straight class. The whole experience would have been a pleasant one if I'd have had any inkling as to how outright hilarious Duthie was. Is. So funny, in fact, that I was inadvertently laughing hysterically to the point of tears and the occasional snort, surrounded by a room of fellow travelers. Quiet, if not silent travelers.

Tonia - negative 1. James Duthie: 1 + $30.00.

In my embarrassment, I shoved the book into my carry on bag and realized that the 9 ounce glass of wine I'd ordered 30 minutes earlier was still completely full, minus the first sip I had while opening the damn book that just humiliated me. I glance around the room hoping that all had gone unnoticed and so far it seemed so.  This is when I realize how much time has gone by and how I should probably get my behind to gate D 46. I slam my glass and try my best to keep my composure as I run (in 3 inch heels) out of the restaurant. As I get just outside of the door to the lounge I hear, "Last boarding call for Flight 056 (this is a made up number, I can't remember what flight number it was, but I'm positive that I'm close) to Vancouver, we are still waiting on 3 passengers. If you could please make your way to gate D46...". Well, isn't that just great. James Duthie? Are you trying to ruin my entire day?

Tonia - negative 2. James Duthie - 2 + $30.00

Needless to say, I make it on board and I luckily have a seat two rows up from the front of the plane. I don't have to excuse my tardiness to more than one person as I slam my carry on into the overhead compartment above row 2. I even buy the wonderful lady (Susan) beside me a glass of wine because I feel so bad. That's another $6.50, Duth. Can I call him that? I feel like our relationship has stooped to that level. Duth it is. We don't speak for a day after that. I get into Vancouver, slightly tipsy from my 15 ounces of delicious red wine, and fly into the arms of my wonderful friend, Geoff, who picked me up from YVR. The next afternoon, after a much needed nap, I crawl onto the couch beside my napping friend and pull out that damn book once again. This time, inches away from Geoff's sleeping body, I am caught so off guard by the hilarity of it that I nearly fell off the couch. I once again had to leave the room covering my mouth so as not to let out the ridiculous laughter that would have otherwise been the most intense belly laugh of all time. This is the second instance, but not yet the last, where James Duthie has made me cry.

Tonia - so knee deep in negatives that I'm never climbing back up to even playing field.
James Duthie - 3 + $36.50 + 2 book recommendations.

Two days later I find myself back at Indigo Chapters. And, James - you know what happens when I go into this heaven by now! The plan is to go in with tunnel vision, see eleven hundred books I want to read the covers of, but I stay strong. I grab 2 more copies of "The Day I (Almost) Killed Two Gretzkys" and I get the hell out of there! I give a copy to my Sports Guru, and another to Geoff. I can't be the only person who is going through these motions, besides it's really nice to share, isn't it?

In all seriousness, I haven't read a book that I have appreciated this much in a very long time. The humor is uncanny, the stories are vivid and full of life, and I'm loving every minute of it. I am loving it so much so that I have decided, halfway through, to only read one column a day. This is because I just don't want it to end. Not only am I a new fan of Duth's, but I will now be reading his columns regularly on TSN. Not that he needs me to do his advertising for him, but to anyone reading this blog - if you haven't read his book, go to your nearest Chapters and pick it up NOW. It is worth every penny. Oh, and I did read some of his book in the airport on the way home as well. I laughed out loud twice. This time I didn't care. I knew what I was getting myself into. There should have been a warning label on the cover for the first time around though. "May cause unexpected snorting and extreme uncontrollable laughter."

Final tallies?

Tonia - I can't keep count.
James Duthie - 5 + $96.50 + 3 purchases of the same book by the same person... that counts twice.

You win this time, Duth.

It's Game Night, folks!
GO FLAMES GO!

T